Remember last week’s column when I talked about that annoying
little habit women have of wanting to eat food off a man’s plate
when they’re out with one of us at a restaurant? Well, I had a
certain lady write me an email in response, and she told me that
she somewhat agreed with me re what I was saying, but, added
that it really didn’t matter too much as, “…getting upset
about us eating food off a man’s plate is strictly a guy’s
thing. It’s no big deal to us.”
A guy’s thing. I’ve heard that terminology since back in high
school when I first started dating. What it refers to is the
fact that there are just some things that men like that women
don’t. Those little things that separate the sexes, and make
them what they are. And, after thinking for a good twenty
seconds, I’m gonna be kind enough to list what some of the major
“guy’s things” are:
1. The Three Stooges - For some unknown reason, guys love the
Stooges and women don’t. What’s not to love? They exhibited some
of the greatest physical comedy ever, and some of their sayings
were priceless. Remember some of these routines:
Curly: “Whatja say?”
Moe: *gives Curly a two-finger eye poke*
Curly: “That’s what I thought ya said.”
Or:
Shemp: (Looking into a mirror) “There I yam - and as pretty as a
picture.”
Moe: “Yeah. Of an ape.” (Then slaps Shemp hard).
Isn’t that great? I’ll bet lots of you guys out there are
laughing out loud. On the other hand, I’ll bet that most of you
ladies are saying, “I just don’t get it, I never thought the
Stooges were all that funny.” This is a great first example of a
“guy’s thing.” But there’s plenty more.
2. Mountain Dew - Diet Mountain Dew is my favorite soft drink in
the world. I love its mellow, citrus based taste, and it has
more caffeine in it than any other soft drink. But, what I’ve
discovered is, try offering one to a woman. For some unknown
reason, experience has taught me that eight out of ten women
will turn a Mountain Dew down, saying, “I just don’t like it.”
What’s not to like? It tastes good, keeps you awake, and it
looks the same leaving your body as when it went in. A totally
useful product.
3. Burping loudly - I’m not going to say anything else here or
I’ll get in trouble, but just suffice it to say that most men
get a big kick out of this, and all women despise it. No one
ever said that Mother Nature is always pretty, you know.
4. Hating ties - Any man that has a testosterone count higher
than Liberace hates neck ties. Absolutely despises them. They
had to be invented by a fervent man-hater - the problem is,
women love for you to wear one just as badly as you hate doing
so. I’d rather spend a Saturday poisoning wasp nests than to
wear a neck tie to a formal social function. Unfortunately, the
women in our lives can give you pretty convincing reasons to
wear one, so, we have to do it. But it still stinks like a dead
frog in the hot sun, though.
5. Not wanting to use strange toilets - For some reason, women
can go into a restroom in a restaurant, gas station, or other
public facility and use it without hesitation. Conversely, most
men hate using a strange toilet. For us, images of mutant
bacteria that could eat whole cows alive live on those toilet
seats. I’ve even resisted going to the bathroom instead of being
forced to use a strange one. Honestly, I think most of you
ladies out there need to rethink this one.
And there you have it. Some of the most well known “guy’s
things” there are. Probably, if I’m guessing right, I’d say that
some of you ladies out there might want equal time, maybe a
future column about “gal’s things.” The only thing is, I’m not
biologically qualified to write it. My suggestion would be to
contact my good friend, columnist Amy Eason (www.amy-eason.com).
Tell her I wrote a column about guy’s things, and that you think
a response is in order. That’ll get her back up enough that I’ll
guarantee you she’ll produce a wonderful, women friendly
masterpiece for all you ladies…
